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"Never will we stand together in Amsterdam looking at Vermeer's Woman Pouring Milk. I will never hold Michelle's hand, either, aside from in a game of ring-around-a-rosy.

One guy begins his introductory essay, "When I was a child, I witnessed a clown jump to his death from a seven-story building.

It was the only time a clown has made me laugh." So I write him back on behalf of Michelle: "You're funny, but too dark for a sweet girl like me." Both of which are true. A few days later, he changed his profile to an essay about his love of Care Bears and snuggling.

One guy frets that his eyes look weird in his photos because he tried to blacken out the red eye from the camera. This guy can't even find a beautiful woman in a Starbucks the size of your average living room. I e-mailed him that "I had a bad experience with musicians." He shot back that he's "NOT" that guy.

He just wants Michelle to know they aren't that weird in real life. He's been sending us long e-mails about his family, his career, and the magnificence of xylophones.

I respond: "What gives you the idea that I'm sometimes a handful? One major strategy Strauss talks about is to mildly insult a beautiful woman, lower her self-esteem, thus making her more vulnerable to your advances. Finally, he brings out his trump card: "Considering that I know most of the people in the book personally from before the book was released, I'm gonna have to disagree."Aha. "Being a business guy who's ballsy enough to try to be on television, contemplating running for political office" -- wait, did he just say he was contemplating running for political office?

So I e-mail handful guy as Michelle: "Have you read the Game by Neil Strauss? I hit the sleazeball jackpot, a longtime pickup artist. " He asks me to watch him and tell him what I think. Afterward, I e-mail to ask if he was flirting with the host. -- "moving to ten states for my job, romantic fantasies.

Yes, it was a joke, but there was an underlying sense of despair. "I made it in response to you." Men will do anything for you. It's with the scientist guy who wears a lot of Patagonia jackets in his photos. I spend an hour tracking down his real name on the Internet.

He e-mailed Michelle that he really wanted to meet her. I keep staring at my cell phone, jittery as a dad with a daughter at the prom. "It really isn't for me." She's surprisingly sensitive. (I know his alma mater and his specialty in marine biology.) I consider showing up outside his office and asking him why he's an emotional retard. Plus, in one of his e-mails, the guy said he didn't like pancakes.

I have too many bad associations of men in skirts -- Benny Hill, Uncle Milty, Idi Amin. Maybe some chocolate syrup." I just want to open the door, not get too graphic. Now, I'm sure Redbook has run a thousand articles about how even Gisele has insecurities about her body. I couldn't even look him in the eyes." a second date with the rocker, at a Thai restaurant. It comes too early, just ninety minutes after the date.

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